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6.29.2010 | My Blog, Protein Bar Taste Test

I had a horrible thought yesterday…

What if my climbing team and I get lost on the mountain, wander around aimlessly, go all snow crazy and wind up resorting to cannibalism?  What a horrible, horrible scenario! I couldn’t help thinking about how tragic this would be. I mean, I’m a vegetarian! What the hell would I do!?

And then I got to thinking about who to eat first. Obviously the first choice would be the guide. I mean, not like we’d need him anymore, right? Besides, he got us lost in the first place, so a fitting punishment may very well be to turn him into mountain tapas.

But then I wondered if maybe *I* should be the one to get nommed first. That would really solve my ‘I-don’t-eat-flesh’ dilemma. It would also save me from having to choose which one of my friends I’d have to bonk over the head with a frozen hiking boot. I’m also not very good at making fires, so by being the one to be eaten first, it would save me the potentially debilitating humiliation of failing in front of my friends as I cry my teeny flame out.

Then I started thinking about my teammates (who should all probably stop reading this now), and who I think would make the best meal. Seems easy enough, but if I ate Ali for example (she has very tasty looking calves), then I’d be deprived of her company. If I ate Amanda, then I’d lose out on her level-headed intelligence. But if I ate Christopher… well, he’s pretty thin, so I’d have to end up eating Amanda after him, anyway. And then I’d probably be too full to move, and would then be a prime target for Ali, who I wouldn’t be able to fight off given my logey friend-full belly. But then again, maybe Ali would be too weak to fight! I mean, if I didn’t share, then she would slowly weaken, right? It would take all her strength to strike me down with a ski pole, so if she didn’t get me on first try, she’d be done for.

Cannibalism is apparently quite scientific. It’s not like I can just off any random friend, you know! I have to really think about this. And to make matters worse, I have a fairly small team to choose from! It’s not like I have a whole South American rugby team that I’m climbing with (not that I would mind… hmmmm, now wouldn’t THAT make for interesting blog entries!


Oh, right. Blog. I forgot….

Kind of went somewhere for a minute there…)

Ok, so here it is: if the team gets lost, I am putting it out there now that I wish to be eaten first. Given the lack of vegetable matter on a human body, I’d be forced to eat meat and that would totally make my tummy feel all icky. I don’t want to have an icky-feeling tummy! That would be just SO uncomfortable. AND I don’t want to have to choose which friend I have to chow on, so by being the first cooked I’d deftly avoid that scenario. AND I am probably a terrible cook when it comes to meat, so I’d most likely give myself ptomaine poisoning after an incorrect buddy-bake. This too would lead to an icky tummy, so really, it’s lose-lose isn’t it?


All this thinking is making me hungry! Shame I don’t have time to eat – I’m late for my psyichatrist appointment…




Ok So let me get this straight. I have to climb Kilimnajaro AND constantly look over my shoulder to watch for you salivating over my calves? This is going to be hard.


I like to keep you inspired.


Eeeeesh. I never even THOUGHT about getting lost! If anyone comes after me with a fork in hand and a lip-licking grin, I am going to run downward. I’d find help downward right?


Kind of hard to run when you’re hogtied to a roasting spit, I’d bet.

[…] about the Old Spice Guy, Chris walked up behind me and said, “I’d rather resort to cannibalizing Ali than eat those bars”, and then walked […]