Climb for Hospice

Welcome to the Protein Bar Taste Test once again! This would be entry #14. FOURTEEN. If I think about it, I’ve spent 16 weeks and $50 subjecting my poor taste buds to this project. I’m kind of glad this taste test is all but finished. I think its affected my brain. Anyway, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere we go…

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Brand: FitSmart

Flavour: Delicious Lemon Poppy

Tag Line: Gluten free, soy free, non-GMO, cold-pressed, Kosher, no added sugar, no preservatives

First Ingredient: Dates

I opened this bar on April 5^th and took a small bite of it. I then got distracted and wasn’t able to do a taste-test entry. I figured I would do it the next day.

The FitSmart bar has now been sitting on my desk for 25 days.

I have completely forgotten what it tasted like, but since it’s been sitting on my desk for 25 days, (in an open wrapper), it’s pretty much an inedible brick by now. If I threw this at someone, it could cause some serious damage. So, I really don’t want to compromise my dental work in order to take another bite.

But I’ll be honest with you… I’m kind of tempted.

I’m so gross. That’s just vile. I’d NEVER do that. EVER.

…ok! Ok! I’ll do it! I’ll take another bite of this edible weapon just for you!

*opens wrapper a little more*

*sniffs at FitSmart bar*

Holy crap! It smells like an elementary school gymnasium floor! And come on, we’ve ALL fallen on our faces in the gym, so you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about people.

Now I’m really thinking twice about taking this second bite. I mean really, I could just toss the thing in the trash and pretend like I took a bite. I could ‘GAK!’ and ‘Ewww!’ and stick my tongue out while pretending to choke myself. I could make this really theatrical. This could become like a Protein Bar Taste Test conduced by a pro soccer player! I could even grab my knee and fall down for authenticity!

But no. Not me. I’M accountable. I refuse to sink to such a level. I will truly take another bite of the FitSmart bar. Just for YOU.

*holds breath, removes bar from wrapper*

Huh. For a bar with “no preservatives”, it still looks surprisingly like it did when I first opened it. It’s just knock-knock hard and dangerously poke-y. Yah, that’s it! It has a more ‘stabability’ quality now. I could really hurt someone with this thing. I could probably slay a lion! I don’t want to eat it – I’m TOTALLY taking this thing with me to Tanzania!

I’m stalling.

*takes bite*

…not bad, actually. I guess it’s alright…

GAHHHHHHH!  Oh god!

The first bite was good: nutty flavour, decent texture, fresh lemony goodness… but in mere seconds it turned from ‘it’s ok’ to ‘dear god who would make chewing gum out of poppy seeds?!’ NOW I remember why I so happily got distracted last time I tried this bar. It has a texture that reminds me of the many times I bit into those foam swimming pool lane markers. Yes, I did do this. A lot. Stop asking questions!

Ooof. This is not a tasty treat, my friends. Its like a pressed-melted-gum log sprinkled with microscopic, annoying crunchy bits. No one wants that! No one wants a knife-esque, too-long-in-your-pocket Hubba Bubba, annoying-things-that-get-stuck-in-your-teeth-to-humiliate-you-when-you-see-the-man-of-your-dreams-and-smile-at-him laden edible boat float!

The FitSmart is essentially a semi-edible adjective thesaurus in a crinkly wrapper.

This is not the bar for me. As much as I appreciate how it allowed me to explore an entirely descriptive literary moment, I can’t see myself enjoying it on a culinary level. However, if I ever win the lottery and buy myself a nice boat, I’ll know exactly what to purchase for a dock float. Thanks FitSmart!