Climb for Hospice

In my world, there are two types of camping: Car Camping and NOT Car Camping…

Car Camping involves jamming your vehicle with as much stuff as possible to make your camping trip not the least bit like camping. Some of my favourite items that I have seen when I drive by camp sites stuffed full of Car Campers are: Mini fridges, bbqs, stoves, fold-up chairs, Taj Mahal tent-like structures (which are usually connected to other large tents under a complicated series of tarps), showers, kegs of beer, fold-up cots, air mattresses large enough to be recognized by the U.N., and gazebos. Yes, gazebos. All of this is brought to ensure that the camper does not get dirty, wet, uncomfortable, unhappy, or exposed to any sort of outdoor element whatsoever.

Why do these people even go camping at all?!

“Oh, I LOVE camping!” Sure you do.  “I love getting back to nature!” Yes, I’m sure you can really enjoy all that nature has to offer while reclining on your inflatable love seat, watching your portable TV while drinking wine (from a glass) under your walled-in gazebo. It must be beautiful for you out there.

Car Camping is not camping. It’s not even ‘roughing it’. It’s essentially outdoor slumming.

I do not like Car Camping (I don’t like camping at all, really), because I think it’s all a lie. You cram the car full of enough outdoor stuff to make it feel as though you’re going to be inside. Sure it’s all fun and games to get drunk and roast marshmallows before bed, but when you wake up, YOU’RE STILL CAMPING. That’s not fair! If I’m going to be inside, I want to be INSIDE!

Car Camping is the cock-tease of outdoor pursuits.

That brings us to the second type of camping: Not Car Camping.

Not Car Camping is where you cram your backpack full of all the things you think you’ll need in order to hike to the middle of nowhere and sleep outside without dying, getting hypothermia, being eaten by a wild boar, breaking a leg, losing a toe, or starving to death.

Sometimes you have a tent. Most times you don’t. You need the room in your backpack that a tent takes up, so you sacrifice your “comfort” for a Bivy sack*, and then cram more pasta and oatmeal into your pack.

Thankfully some genius created the compression sack, and this really helps to maximize space while maximizing “comfort”. You can squish a whole lot of useful crap into these compression sacks, and still have room left over for more pasta and oatmeal.

Of course you need a stove (a small one). And pots. Thankfully some genius created the Alpine Pot Set with lids that double as plates. And one simply cannot Not Car Camp without the ever important spork. Now you’re set for a hearty meal of pasta. Or oatmeal.

You also have to pack in your own water. Of course on a multi-day trip, it’s simply not possible to carry that much water, so you need either iodine tabs (and the saving grace of Gatorade powder), or a purifier.

You also need to pack your own toilet paper. In AND out. Don’t worry, I won’t link a photo to that. However, I’m sure if you’re really keen on seeing that there are multiple websites that cater specifically to that. But make sure you know how to clear your browser history before you venture into that world, mkay?

As I have said before, I am the anti-camper. However, I would much rather Not Car Camp than Car Camp. If I’m Not Car Camping, at least I know what to expect: this is going to suck donkey nuts. However, if I am Car Camping, I get all confused: Ahhhh, the indoors… wait… this isn’t my condo! My bed is comfy, and my slippers are here, but… but… WHERE THE HELL IS MY TOILET!?

Sadly, I am going Car Camping this weekend. I was looking forward to Not Car Camping, but Car Camping won over. But I’m still going to bring my spork, (because I believe in peaceful protest). And so, I’m off to Canadian Tire to pick up an air pump, a precast hot dog roasting stick, and a portable satellite dish. Wish me luck – you’ll be sure to have a very entertaining blog to read upon my return.

*Note: the linked Bivy Sack was labeled as “Deluxe Bivy”. Niiiiiiiiiiice.